"Losing my religion"

My room is a mess. The cat has found its way in here a few times over the last few days. I do not feel like picking up the things it has removed from the shelves. I have secluded myself to my room since the other night.

I have been reading, though. I regret the loss of Recluse. She was a good woman.

It is odd. "Joseph"... Sherlock... He has taken care of me when he is not busy. He is very busy at the moment, of course. He and my work are what I have now that Nerina is gone. I was assigned to the Baker squad after being deemed... unsuitable for solitary work without guidance after I lost Nerina and hunted the Runner who took her, like the animal he was. She was my "team" before. My older sister.

It is the past, though. Such holes are hard to fill, and despite my work, it is one that I miss. Being something more than a "tool" to a person. I am good at what I do, but if I can for a moment, fool myself into believing that they care for me. It is silly and childish, I know. "Joseph" says I have a right to be childish and irrational sometimes, though, and that I should not apologize for it.

I am currently rather... disillusioned when it comes to attraction to others due to certain things that have come to light recently. That was part of the discussion that "Joseph" and I had, though. That I should set my sights on someone younger, for one thing. I have taken it into consideration, as I expected nothing to come of the other attraction, even though I felt snubbed by the things that came to light.

I can get all the physical gratification I need. Easily. There are members of the Organization that are closer to my age to interact with on such levels. Not Ronin, of course. Ew.

I will heal, and I will be useful again.